Back to Back

You know that feeling sometimes when your feet start tingling or go numb? It's not very pleasant, is it? Imagine if you had to live with it 24/7. Add to it unbearable pain and discomfort. The very thought makes you flinch. 

It was about two years ago when my back first started aching. My doctor, a general physician (who happens to be a close friend of my father's) waived it off as a symptom of UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) prescribed some medication and I was okay. 

A couple of months later, my lower back started hurting again and we saw an orthopaedic this time, who also happens to be my father's friend. He didn't think it was much to worry about and gave me some painkillers and tadah, I was okay again. We assumed I had a tendency to twist my back again and again. I was only 17, who would want to think of the worst?

After that, I frequently experienced backaches but I ignored them. Since I strongly criticize abuse of painkillers, I would just wait till the pain would subside. It could take a day, or a few more or even a week at times. I also refused to see another doctor because there's something about doctors and hospitals that unnerve me. From past experiences in my family, I knew that doctors almost always bring bad news. 

So I stayed stubborn for a whole year. Until one day, when I walked a lot and my lower back started aching. That was normal, so I didn't pay much heed. And then slowly, the pain radiated and I felt my left leg going numb. Now that was new. And scary. Once I found a place to sit and eventually lie down, I felt fine. This happened a couple of times in the same month. Now I was a little worried.

I only agreed to see another doctor when my leg started hurting so much that it was impossible for me to walk at all.

This new doctor was also a friend of the family (Damn, does my father know too many doctors, or what?) but a thorough professional. He made me take a MRI scan. That experience in itself was scary, but more on that later. My reports were terrible. Three of the lower discs in my back are dehydrated and displaced. Infact, it was so bad that the technician who did the scan called my doctor to confirm if I was only 19.

Apparently, the only reason I am mobile right now is because I am so young and if I don’t do something about it, I might need surgery or worse, get bedridden. This was too much to grasp for me. It felt like my whole world was literally collapsing. Of all the things in the world, what was my first concern? “What if I can’t have babies?!” I stayed depressed for a whole week until I saw it was affecting all the people around me who care so much. Now I brood and cry only in the privacy of my bedroom.

Life post diagnosis isn’t easy. There are days when I am in pain even if I'm walking or sitting or lying down, whatever and it just won't go. My mother doesn’t let me do chores that I would previously try to weasel out of. I am not allowed to carry grocery bags or anything that weighs practically anything. I am not supposed to bend to pick up things. I have to give up on the two loves of my life- high heels and dancing in the front of that mirror. Yes, I am a bathroom dancer. We’re just like bathroom singers except we dance instead of singing. The point being, it is not easy at all especially when I have most of my life left to live.
There's so much left to do. I want to dance and take crazy rides in amusement parks and travel around the world and wear high heels and have babies. Right now, I'm not sure I can do any of these. Everything seems so dark but I'm sure there will be light. I bet everything gets better. Unless I'm destined for tragedy, ofcourse.

Sometimes I wonder what if I hadn’t taken it so casually for a whole year. What if I had seen a better doctor sooner? Maybe my back wouldn’t have deteriorated so much. Maybe I would be in a better state right now. Maybe, just maybe… Knowing we have a family history of slip-discs, it was foolish to ignore my health. I have learnt my lesson and well. Ignoring warning signs about bad health? Worst decision EVER!

Here's a link to My Healthy Speak Blog